So Much to Worry About

I don't know why I have had such a hard time sitting down to blog.  I don't know if it is because it is hard to find quiet time to write, or if I am just "too busy", or if it's because I don't want to face some of my emotions... but here ya go again.  I am sorry it has been so long, I have so much to write about and not enough discipline to sit and do it.  

At this time, on this day, I have officially experienced a miscarriage.  A lot of you follow me personally on Facebook and already know this.  I found out about my pregnancy in mid-February, and by Feb. 24th, I was experiencing "spotting", something considered normal in early pregnancy.  But it continued... and actually I haven't stopped bleeding since that date.  I knew something was wrong, my heart knew something was wrong, but my body wasn't clued in.  My hcg (pregnancy hormone) levels kept going up, even though on ultrasound, it was obvious that a pregnancy tried to set up shop, but the baby just didn't hang on.  So for the last 3 weeks, I have had 2 ultrasounds, and I can't even count how many blood tests, just to try to figure out what odd thing was going on inside of me (or not).  

Yesterday, I got results from my Monday blood test that finally line up with what my heart already knew.  My hcg levels dropped tremendously.  In this case, though it is a sad truth, I am so thankful for this.  I lost the baby, but   it means that my body finally got with the program and I am able to avoid a surgery (D&C) most likely.  I am praising God for this.  I don't have time for surgery.  I have no desire to have any surgery.  I am not a fan of modern medicine, not that I don't appreciate it when it is really needed, but I hope my family never really needs it!  

So with that summary being written, what does this have to do with our RV life?  Well, with the pregnancy, I would have been due in October.  That would have been right in the middle of our "planned" trip.  I was so confused with God's timing and why He would have put all these plans on my heart and then change them all by a pregnancy.  And then, a few weeks later, God's plan confused me again!  Why would He allow me to become pregnant, and the allow me to loose the baby, all the while changing our plans over and over again?  

I think I have an answer to that.  For the last almost 3 years, God has had us walking in faith, completely.  With our finances, with where and how we are going to school our children, where we are to live, and the people we are to impact and who would impact us.  Joey has not gone out and chased work down.  God asked him to trust fully that our needs would be met, so Joey just waited for the phone to ring.  And it did.  Our bills are always paid, though we might not have much left over, we always have a fridge full of food, shelter, and the things that we need.  

God has done amazing things with Joey's heart and trust.  And now He needed to work on my heart too.  I have had the ability to time every pregnancy just how I wanted it (with God's will, obviously).  I made plans to move into an RV, and though it happened later than I would have liked, here we are.  I have decided how to school our kids, and it has happened.  It seems like I have had a lot of control over how my life is going.  God needed to remind me that HE is in control, and that He has the ultimate say in our plans.  I am not sure what we will face in the future that God is preparing us for right now, but I hope I am ready.  I have learned through this that I shouldn't be making "plans".  That I need to be following God's lead first, going to Him first to pray about "my plans", and wait on Him to move forward.

So, now when people ask me when we are planning on traveling, my answer is, "When God says move, we move".  A lot of people might think that is crazy, or that I am just living by the seat of my pants... but God specifically says (more than once) that we are not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  (Matt 6:34)

So that is my verse for now.  I remind my children when they come and ask me what we are doing tomorrow, or next week.  I remind myself when I am start to question life and why/how things are happening.  I remind myself when I am struggling with the dreams I have for our travels, and the bank isn't adding up to my plans.  I have to remember that God is in control, not me.  I can't control bleeding, I can't control a pregnancy, I can't control tomorrow, I can only worry about and live in today.